Now the cat is diagnosed with cancer, dear Cartouche, even cats can get breastcancer, so sad, she’s falling apart…Give her two more weeks, spoil her as much as possible and then put her to sleep, the vet suggested. She still eats, a lot actually and drinks a lot as well. Kindney problem old age, she’s nearly twenty that’s old for a cat. So she had a good life, never sick until now, always playful little cat bit of a loner, not very cuddly. She always looked at the birds making these funny sounds, I give her some energy when I’m around and like to bury her in the garden. Rest in peace.

It’s raining men haleluja. One day the right train will stop at my station, probably when it’s least expected. I want a sweet love in equality and with passion, with space and mutual respect. Someone who likes to train his bud of like I do, with a lust for life and a strong personality, who is giving and not afraid to receive. Someone who can say no to me with a smile on his face, someone who doesn’t walk away when I come close. Someone who looks after himself, likes the good things of life, wants to share, respects nature, someone who is careful, caring and has a  limitless confidence. Oh I’m asking to much am I? Many trains passed, they stop for a short while or a little longer and then I wave goodbye until the next one appears. It never ends happily there are always tears when you have to say goodbye. I just need a man with balls who can stand up to me.

Fuck it, forgot to shut of the valve of the water in my garden house in time. Now it’s frozen solid. That will need attention this week and then later in february when I’m home again, probably needs repairing, aiai. But I did close the mainvalve now and there is another one somewhere in the garden outside, which I will close in time before I leave for the hot sun in Australia.

Oh god I’m longing to leave, it’s getting too hot here under my feet (dutch expression) and too cold outside king winter gives us early snow and deep freeze.

Need to do some administration first, but I love writing articles, it’s getting clear, I want to stand in the kitchen cooking for life, love, soulfood and to sit down and write my thoughts about everything that attracts my attention, wants to come out, haha spread the word, what I mainly want is someone who wants to listen to me, don’t we all want a listening ear, someone who doesn’t start talking about his or hers own misery, but just listens, so you can empty your heart and feel what is reallly going on inside?

Oh yes I can meditate and oh yes, in the end you can reflect upon yourself and don’t need to let it all hang out, but we are human beings and we do need each other to reflect, and I meet you because you are my mirror and I have to deal with all this, so I get what I need, and yes I missed this listening ear, when I was a child, I didn’t have the feeling I was heard at all. And inside it shouted all right. But outside I was silent. I can be very silent and very non-existent.

But heho, this woman is growing up and although it hurts a lot and I seem to be making the same mistakes over and over, gradually I’m learning: the Kaizen way, slowly step by step. Don’t run, don’t hide, just be. It’s flooding time, tears, I’m tired then I can’t hide my feelings, but this afternoon I feel I’m getting stronger again, let’s dance…..

Cooking is fun but can be very demanding as well. Three days in a row cooking with little sleep. Because I want to share as well and want to do it well, so I put  a lot of effort in the job and it pays back in happy faces and warm tummies, it doesn’t make me rich in money but it certainly is giving me satisfaction. And friends!

Only after the yoga practice my energy level rises again, ten students tonight.
I started making arrangements through skype for Australia, here I come, every day one new appointment, so my schedule is clear by the end of the week, only packing, insurance, and some extra money and I can leave.

I’ll be cooking there as well, for dollars and for fun and for my friends, the colder it gets here the more I’m looking forward to go, I can’t wait, nervous and agitated like a child, counting the days.

I will think of a restaurant again, because cooking is my passion, my true love in life.

Misschien ook wel halleluja, hij zegt accepteer in dankbaarheid , alles, ik lig op mijn buik met een stuk hout ergens onder mij, get wat doet dat pijn.

“Voel de zwaartekracht overal in je lichaam, zodat je aandacht van het stokje weggaat”. Nou nee, dit is niet makkelijk, wie zegt dat het makkelijk moet zijn. Ik zet het stokje ergens anders meer naar de zijkant, beter, dan kan ik compenseren, adem uit, anus dicht, adem naar je navel, trek je navel in op de uitademing, adem, in , uit, navel naar je toe, verplaats het stokje, en ontvang in dankbaarheid, dankjewel, dankjewel, pff, dit is hard werken, maar het zakt naar binnen, dieper, en als ik overeind kom, voel ik de ruimte en de energie laag in mijn hara, open en ruim en liefdevol, dankjewel, dankjewel. Ontladen.

Oeps 67 comments straks even checken…Vanmiddag zat ik in de flow, drie dagen koken wat een feest, van binnen groeit het verlangen, toch maar weer een restaurantje, maar dan wel met de goede mensen dit keer, het is de adrenaline of een of ander hormoon dat aan het werk gaat. Mijn energie zit in mijn dragende midden, knallen, die lunch voor 20 wordt mooi, het is maar hoe hoog je de lat zelf legt en ik leg hem graag hoog en dat doe ik zelf en daar geniet ik van vooral als we dan aan tafel zitten na de ‘belofte voor de maaltijd’ en ik warm en gelukkig om me heen kijk en iedereen in stilte, eet en geniet en gaat vragen wat er in zit en hoe en waarom en lekker en meer en de bordjes schoon het afwaswater inglijden dankjewel dat ik dit mag doen en bij het dessert aan het einde van de dag als de workshop afgelopen is zegt John: je hebt jezelf overtroffen, kan dat dan, hij is van de dankjewel, dankjewel, je krijgt wat je toekomt, in dankbaarheid accepteren wat op je weg komt, lieve mensen het is natuurlijk ook meiso shiatsu dus daar word ik welkom ontvangen en dan is het koud buiten, jawel het sneeuwt zelfs in het oosten van het land, mijn auto was helemaal dichtgevroren, maar binnen is het warm, wij zijn warm, we eten winterwarm eten, met zuurkoolsalade en en boerenkoolstampje die niet naar boerenkool smaakt en spruitjes met maïs en gembersoep met wakame en walnotenmarsepein met carobepoeder en kastanjeslagroom en misosoep en aardappels uit de oven, pompoentaartjes, peren agar-agar, venkel en courgette en tofu met boerenkool en maïs en fu met champignonsaus en tempura van ui, wortel en bloemkool met daikon en komkommer pickle met radijs en salade met witlof. En het zuur zorgt voor de vetverbranding dus niemand heeft het zwaar en daarna kunnen ze gewoon weer verder oefenen, mijn dozen zitten nog in de auto, te moe nu om uit te laden, korte nachten, drie maaltijden en opruimen en etcetera, maar het voelt goed, morgen vrij, overdag, recepten uitschrijven,het gaat, ik dans in de keuken, het hart is ontvankelijk, mijn lijf heeft zin, nog even checken bij de kat, en snel in bad, en nu naar bed.

Vannacht was warme appelsap het elixer. Wakker worden met een schrijnende schele koppijn. Drinken en weer slapen. Brak, wazig, opstaan, te lang in de hete sauna? te weinig water? te veel bubbels? De eerste sessie stoelmassages gaat in stilte, dit is test in endurance, nee vandaag geen gezellige collega, we zijn alledrie beetje stil, tweede sessie van vijf gaat al beter, na twee koppen koffie en 6 glazen water, na de lunch wordt het zelfs nog een beetje gezellig, nog zes (gaap).Het is mijn laatste dag hier, dag T-mobile twee jaar elke maand vijftien mensen dank je wel en dag. Maar als ik naar de auto loop lekker in de koelte valt de last weg, het lijf is moe maar voldaan, genoeg gezweet, genoeg gedronken, genoeg gewerkt, nu lekker naar mijn eetafspraak.
Ik ben aan het aftellen, ik wil gewoon weg, de onrust van binnen, nog even. Wat heb ik nodig vraag ik aan vrienden die net geweest zijn: slippers, zonnebrand, hoed, bikini, zonnebril, dunne doek, eigenlijk niets maar alles om niet levend te verbranden. Kerst op het strand in Sydney niet verkeerd. Mijn tuinhuis nog opruimen, water af, anders kan ik straks weer alle leidingen repareren, nieuwe geiser eruit, tuin ook een beetje aanharken? Focus op daar, de rest kan wachten, en als je daar nou yogales kan geven? Ja dan kom ik eerst nog wel terug, zien we dan wel weer eerst mijn hart maar eens repareren.

It could be more it could be less, but take a couple of spare hours , go to the sauna, sweat, relax, cool down, eat, drink, enjoy, feel, sweat, cool down, relax, drink, sweat.
I sat under the stars steaming from this hot humid sauna talking celebrating my best friends fifthieth birthday, god we’re getting old, he doesn’t look like it, he doesn’t feel like it, bit it’s on his birth certificate so…and then we start memorising the past, nothing you can do about that, the house is empty, the jobs too big and why should you work your but out for whom? Since there’s no woman or man around it feels empty, god don’t get me into that, don’t let me feel this, I want to tell but I swallow my words it’s not the right moment nor the right time, I’m not ashamed of the tears that shine in my eyes but I do feel embarassed. God love is so conflicting.

My feet sink deep in the mud, shit, I was only going out to get some onions, fresh air, have a walk, I end up walking for four hours or so, meeting the hunters, shooting, picking up their pray, dogs close to their side, drifting the wildlife, bait for the hunter waiting on the other side hidden, no way I’m of the road in this season, too fucking dangerous, they shoot redheads as well, but I went for a shortcut back and ended up in the mud see what happens, the trees are standing with their roots in the water, a big brown cow is eying at me too busy eating I hope, her sister sniffs loudly and looks up to see me passing, the beautiful sunset behind their brown fur standing with their hooves deep in the straw, steam out of their noses, my skin steams as I leave the shower, it’s damp getting cold, heat up the fireplace stealing wood to keep the fire going, my karma insists on bringing it back some day, yes I will no hurry there are some more jobs to get even, in the supermarché I get beaujolais, cantharels, water, fruit, to keep me going for a couple of days, I listen to the BBC, drink bourbon and let the past roll over me, work in the garden until my body starts resisting, read sunbear and have a sudden urge to smoke a cigarette, evrything you once tasted literally everything stays stored in your cells, until you cleanse it out, I cleanse a lot, but it still keeps bothering me, the taste, the bitter taste, the sweet taste, I need more mud to step in deep, to feel my feet solid on the ground, mother earth knows what I need, but my ego keeps on sucking, hello little sister be brave she shouted, be brave, in my other life as an artist, the title of my best exhibiton was be brave and so she is, opening up can be painful fucking tears to shed, but I wont close that door anymore, the world needs love, compassion and generosity, let us begin with loving ourselves and when you are capable of taken care of yourself, start spreading your love around you, like a light, I have enough, I can share, if I learn to contain this energy, instead of loosing the grip, spreading it to all directions, focus, my spine straight, my chest open, my heart light and loving, will I dance till the end of the days.

My feet are warm, that’s peculiar, when it gets colder outside they usually are cold. Maybe because of the breathing exercises I did.
I thought of Cartouche the cat today, slipping away quietly, so old, almost twenty, so skinny, she barely has any power left in her behind, falling over most of the time, deaf, smelly, a wound that won’t heal anymore. She purs softly when you touch her, she sleeps all day on the radiator, she can shout unbearably loud. But she eats still and drinks and now and then plays a bit the old lady.
And then I feel quilty suddenly, I left…
She always crawled on my lap, I cuddled her, fed her, made her tame, I never rejected her. And then I left.
She misses you he said, yes I know, I also miss her and I miss you I think, I cry.
It’s not a lifetime we shared, but we shared. We shared in eight years a lot of people passing away, happiness, love, tears, laughter, intimicy, a baby which didn’t make it, a house, holidays, hard words, sex, a lot of miles, art, food, friendship, where did it go wrong?