Het zou fijn zijn als er nu een warme arm zou zijn, aiai, soms zijn er van die akelige kille stukjes af te leggen oud zeer. De AUM heeft weer eens wat in gang gezet. Er is een deurtje open gegaan en hoe krijg ik die weer dicht, of gewoon open laten staan en door laten waaien. She comes she goes, she lays belief on you… Ik weet heel goed wat ik moet doen, maar het doen is een tweede. Mijn verantwoordelijkheid nemen. Soms zou ik willen dat ik niet zo snel volwassen was geworden. Het kind in mij blijft maar stampvoeten, maar herkenning ho maar, die zal ik toch echt alleen maar van mezelf krijgen. Zorg goed voor jezelf, zorg goed voor jezelf…hoe lang sta ik al op eigen benen? Sterke vrouw, vrije vrouw, leun niet op mij, leun op jezelf. Hug me, hold me, close, long enough to feel the sadness inside melt away, god she is lonely, inside, lieve papa, als ik nog een keer je hand mocht vasthouden, lieve oma Hennie, ze wisten niet beter, lieve Thieu, de dood is maar een tussenstation, lieve oma Tox, de vinger blijft maar wijzen, lief ongeboren babytje, je hartje klopt. Karma, je krijgt wat je toekomt, heb ik hier om gevraagd? Het is mijn wereld niet, het geneuzel, gebabbel, of zijn juist die alledaagse dingen het houvast, het anker… Dit is oud, me buiten gesloten voelen, houd van jezelf, ik ben goed zoals ik ben, ik ben wie ik ben. De twijfel steekt de kop weer op. Ik weet wat ik kan, ik weet waar ik goed in ben, ik weet wat ik wil, waar maak ik me dan druk over, ik hoef niet aardig gevonden te worden zolang ik goede vriendjes met mezelf ben.. en toch ik wil bevestiging. Die arm om me heen die zegt kom maar het is goed, laat je hoofd maar rusten, want een sterke vrouw moet ook af en toe zwak kunnen  zijn. En shit voel ik me kwetsbaar daarin.

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Ik kan er niets aan doen, de ergernis borrelt omhoog en ik denk shit waarom loop ik hier naast jou. Je lijdzaam wentelen irriteert me. Ik kan je niet redden. Mijn kop begint te zeuren, niet toelaten spreek ik mezelf streng toe, maar het leed is al geleden. En je voelt het en ik versnel mijn pas onwillekeurig, grmbl, ik heb geen haast, heb je haast, nee  dit is mijn tempo, iedereen heeft zijn eigen tempo, tututu, de grapjes, het niet luisteren, het ego zit in de weg. Wisten we maar hoe we het moeten doen, het zou zo veel fijner zijn, ik sta open van de AUM, gevoelig, afkicken weer terug harnas om, neeeee ik wil niet laat me gewoon voelen dit is de realiteit ik wil liefdevolle mensen op mijn pad geen suckers die me moe neerhalen geen negatievelingen, er zijn redenen genoeg, ik hoef niemand te redden red jezef, ik heb genoeg mijn best gedaan, ik doe graag mijn best maar dan wel licht en vrolijk. Ik ga trainen, mijn lijf voelen, de zwaarte eruit, waarom laat ik het binnen komen?

Buiten is het wit, zo wit is Rotterdam zelden, de sneeuw maakt de wereld zacht, mooi. Kon alles maar zo zacht zijn. Gisteren mijn stomende lijf ingesmeerd met poedersneeuw, mijn voeten ijsklompjes, maar zo warm van binnen. Als die liefde toch eeuwig kon duren. Het is dichtbij tastbaar, zo’n vrijheid van binnen, zo’n zachtheid.

Bezoekje aan de supermarkt zet me wel weer met mijn benen op de grond, niet iedereen is in contact met zijn/haar hart, maar mijn glimlach brengt wel andere gezichten tot zachtheid, ik kan alleen maar zelf doen, geven wat ik graag wil ontvangen.

Interesting what happens when you are used to a certain order and then they change it and they put some extra challenge in it by talking it all together with Santa Claus and what resistance you will find then? I have nothing with the good old man supposed to be delivering presents on the 5th of december to children who belief he’s reallly coming all the way from Spain in his boat with a lot of black servants and on his horse riding the roofs and throwing presents through the chimneys. And when you won’t behave he will put you in his bag and takes you back to Spain. How upsetting.

I found out somewhere midway my childhood it was all fake when I found my mother sitting in the middle of a lot of presents, paper, writing…We had fun though making presents for eachother making up weird poems and awesome surprises for years…

I feel warm and loving after the AUM, peaceful. I did get rid of some horrible nasty pictures, feelings and the reward is love and peace. In the part when you can go completely beserk I always get these images form childhood, let’s call it the ghosts. This time my grandmother appeared. She died in a mental institute, she had fluid behind the lungs,  bad treatment or just neglected? One time we visited and she was locked in a isolated room. Soft walls, the only piece of furniture a bare mattress, strong smell of urine, not a pretty sight to find your grandmother who once was so beautiful and keen on keeping her hair fixed. She got lost somewhere, wartrauma, to much pain hidden for everything they did to her in the Japanese camps, break her fingers so she couldn’t play the violin anymore, no humanity left, just a number, standing up straight in the blasting sun counting the prisoners, no food, no medicines, bending for the ones who are torturing you, it’s the pain I see in my parents eyes too, my father lost it into his Alzheimer, ’they are looking at me all the time’,  he whispers, oh god I wish I could take him home, give him some consolidation. He died unexpected, gladly piece of mind.

I have these images, not mine, but they are coming anyway, not my pain, but I struggle, I feel fear, the world is not a funhouse, so many wars, so many people tortured,  not free to go where they want to, not free to say or think or do what they want, this earth we are killing, we should be thankful for our existence and the opportunities we get and be loving and giving for everything we are receiving. Mother earth should be rewarded, so I thank you for making me aware.

My brain already translates everything into English. Normally I don’t plan trips this long ahead, and normally I am not this agitated before I leave and normally I don’t think of what I am going to do when I’m somewhere else. This time is a bit different. Maybe because I will be longer away, I will be working a bit, I will be staying mainly with friends. But mostly I have changed, I don’t know what to pack, except for the sunglasses, swimsuit, sunlotion, sheet, shawl, sunhat, slippers..

I don’t have to worry they pick me up at the airport, I will love the heat, I will collapse and surrender to this unknown country where there’s still space to breath…

The five Tibetans are five exercises that will help you to get fit. Actually they say the five Tibetans give you eternal youth. They work on your six chakra’s and the six chakra’s are connected with the endocrine glands. It’s scientifically proved that if  your endocrine glands are working properly you don’t get sick and don’t get aging problems. But normally your endocrine system does get problems when your getting older. Working through the five Tibetans will help you make feel better. The only way to find out what it does for you is start exercising. For me after six months training (almost) every day, it only takes 10 minutes to do the complete series of twenty one times each exercise, feel the difference, I have my strength back, my muscles are getting stronger, I am more flexible and very well centered, the connection heart mind is good, I feel warm inside and emotinally more stable, other things are helping as well ofcourse but still..And then I go to the meiso shiatsu weekend to cook and the subject is endocrine glands, thank you.

Now the cat is diagnosed with cancer, dear Cartouche, even cats can get breastcancer, so sad, she’s falling apart…Give her two more weeks, spoil her as much as possible and then put her to sleep, the vet suggested. She still eats, a lot actually and drinks a lot as well. Kindney problem old age, she’s nearly twenty that’s old for a cat. So she had a good life, never sick until now, always playful little cat bit of a loner, not very cuddly. She always looked at the birds making these funny sounds, I give her some energy when I’m around and like to bury her in the garden. Rest in peace.

It’s raining men haleluja. One day the right train will stop at my station, probably when it’s least expected. I want a sweet love in equality and with passion, with space and mutual respect. Someone who likes to train his bud of like I do, with a lust for life and a strong personality, who is giving and not afraid to receive. Someone who can say no to me with a smile on his face, someone who doesn’t walk away when I come close. Someone who looks after himself, likes the good things of life, wants to share, respects nature, someone who is careful, caring and has a  limitless confidence. Oh I’m asking to much am I? Many trains passed, they stop for a short while or a little longer and then I wave goodbye until the next one appears. It never ends happily there are always tears when you have to say goodbye. I just need a man with balls who can stand up to me.

Fuck it, forgot to shut of the valve of the water in my garden house in time. Now it’s frozen solid. That will need attention this week and then later in february when I’m home again, probably needs repairing, aiai. But I did close the mainvalve now and there is another one somewhere in the garden outside, which I will close in time before I leave for the hot sun in Australia.

Oh god I’m longing to leave, it’s getting too hot here under my feet (dutch expression) and too cold outside king winter gives us early snow and deep freeze.

Need to do some administration first, but I love writing articles, it’s getting clear, I want to stand in the kitchen cooking for life, love, soulfood and to sit down and write my thoughts about everything that attracts my attention, wants to come out, haha spread the word, what I mainly want is someone who wants to listen to me, don’t we all want a listening ear, someone who doesn’t start talking about his or hers own misery, but just listens, so you can empty your heart and feel what is reallly going on inside?

Oh yes I can meditate and oh yes, in the end you can reflect upon yourself and don’t need to let it all hang out, but we are human beings and we do need each other to reflect, and I meet you because you are my mirror and I have to deal with all this, so I get what I need, and yes I missed this listening ear, when I was a child, I didn’t have the feeling I was heard at all. And inside it shouted all right. But outside I was silent. I can be very silent and very non-existent.

But heho, this woman is growing up and although it hurts a lot and I seem to be making the same mistakes over and over, gradually I’m learning: the Kaizen way, slowly step by step. Don’t run, don’t hide, just be. It’s flooding time, tears, I’m tired then I can’t hide my feelings, but this afternoon I feel I’m getting stronger again, let’s dance…..