Je mag me altijd teleurstellen, als je daarmee trouw bent aan jezelf

And then suddenly the softness sets in again.
One of my new customers in the office where I give chairmassage, has these big quetionmarks in his eyes.

The Aum was wonderful again, soft, powerful, liberating.
Fuck you, love you, hate you, hug you, I’m so sorry, I don’t get it, don’t leave me, please come back. I am making new friends, you can insult me, but other people still love me, so I don’t believe that what you think of me is true, maybe that’s your reality, people tend to see themselves in other people. Yes perception is projection. You say what you want to hear,  it makes things easier. You want a fight? You can get one. I will win, because I am strong and I am not afraid to loose because I have nothing to win, nothing to loose. it’s all in your mind. Arrogant, yes sure. Life  is all about ego. that’s why we are human beings. Nothing wrong with ego.

Op de binnenplaats achter mijn studio schieten opeens paddenstoelen uit de grond, tussen de tegels, ze ruiken heerlijk, maar zijn ze eetbaar?

Op de lantarenpalen langs de rijksweg bij de afslag Rijswijk, Den Haag zuid, zaten ze vanmorgen op een rij, op de lantarenpalen, de aalscholvers, hoog, met hun vleugels te wapperen. Dieren hebben een waanzinnig aanpassingsvermogen. In het luchtruim zijn geen auto’s. Het maakt ze niet uit. Onder ze staat de file uitlaatgassen uit te braken, daarboven zitten ze onverstoord hun veren te drogen alsof er niets aan de hand is, niet beter weten, ik woon hier.

It is green and goey, it is heavenly delicious and very easy to make, what more do you want?

For four persons you need:
two bananas
one avocado
oil
cinnamon
agavesyrup
lemon
salt
kiwi

Peel two bananas, cut them in half, lay them with the cutted side up on a greased baking sheet. Put the oven on at 170 degrees. Spoon some agavesyrup, oil and cinamon on top. Bake for about 25 minutes until brown.

Peel the avocado, safe the seed, squeeze the lemon, put the avocado in the blender with the juze of the lemon and agavesyrup to the taste. (sweetsour) Cool under foil with the avocadoseed in the puree.

Peel the kiwi, slice in pieces.

Put the avocado in a cup, add the cooled banana and a slice of the kiwi.

I still don’t get it. Why do you let the precious thing we shared in Raye sur Authie slip away?

It never occured to me before, that showing anger opens up a lot of energy, because I simply didn’t dare to become really angry.

For all these years I burried all the anger deep down inside, melting into a big fire, keeping it hot. Sure I’ve had my share in life, so reasons enough to become angry. And ofcourse I have been angry many times, but not really, not open, not passionate, not without fear of getting it all back, being rejected. So I always held down, to afraid to show, to afraid to be put of, to be told to shut up.

Because that is what happened when I was a child. Don’t shout, don’t become angry, don’t cry, don’t show your emotions. There was no space, no safety, no one to shout at, I wasn’t heard. They were to occupied with themselves, they had too much pain, their pain was bigger than mine, so keep quiet.

So I stopped shouting, I stopped crying, I stopped, arguing, I stopped asking, I stopped feeling. I even stopped talking for a while.
So lonely, so scared, so insecure. Instead I put up a huge wall around me, so nobody could touch me, my cold safety. You can’t come into my heart, you can’t touch me, you can’t hurt me.

But now I am learning. First to cry, to feel the sadness. Then feel the fear, to be afraid. Then feel the joy, to laugh, to be happy. I learned to get in touch with my feelings again and open up my heart. Now it’s time for the strongest emotion, the hardest, the most difficult is becoming free: my anger!!! I am learning by my classes, with the children, by my therapy, by the AUM, by life itself, practicing day by day, step by step.

So hold your horses, don’t come to near, don’t make me angry, don’t judge me, don’t expect anything of me, don’t argue with me, don’t point at me.

Or maybe yes please do, if you can stand my anger that is. If you don’t mind to be shouted at. If you are strong. If you can keep to yourself.

Because I am. I can let the steam of, I can feel the fire, I can feel the heat. And it gives me tremendous power.

Look I am not afraid, don’t you like me anymore, sorry, it’s time to listen to my inner heart, I will still love you, I will always love you, but I won’t let anybody hurt my feelings anymore I won’t let you go beyond my borders. I love myself. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.

I put the wall down, I opened up my heart, I can feel. I am connected with my heart and mind. I am not afraid to love, I have no fear. I will stand next to you, I will listen, I will hold your hand, I will cry with you, you can cry with me, You can shout at me, I won’t run away, I will be there for you, when you need me. I will stand up for you. I will love you. I am love.

It doesn’t matter, I feel my heartbeat. I cycle away from the place where he lives and think, better not to stay in the neigbourhood. So I bring back the key of the room I just rented, bye bye beautiful spot. I don’t want this nervous energy flowing anymore. I want peace of mind. Heartbeat, beat, beat..

It doesn’t matter, I feel my heartbeat. As I let the steam of telling a friend how angry, sad, disappointed, rejected, misunderstand I feel. My heart has pain. I love him. Can this stop now please. He is far away. It will only take time, to sooth the pain, to forget the pleasures we shared, to meet someone else. To stop longing for something that doesn’t work.

But for now I stil want him, feel him, close.

I wonder, since all comments are in English, do they translate my writing?
Do I have to write in English again? Does it have to be read? Do I have to be understand? What’s the point of writing anyway? Do I like to be heard?
How can I find peace of mind? Will I ever find home? Letting go.

I was collecting too many keys, too many houses, places to look after. Why can’t I settle down? Where are my roots. I can live anywhere, I feel at home anywhere. I don’t need all my stuff anymore. Most of it is stored. I do like my clothes, shoes, lingerie, books and cooking stuf. Carrying my bags everywhere. I’m so happy I have this big car.

So I rang up this morning and told the landlady I’ll be bringing back the key this afternoon. I’m so sorry. The room is lovely, the place supurb, straight view on the Maas, port of Rotterdam, beautiful architecture. But sorry no, I’m getting confused, looking after so many places, going up and down, I want to save energy, money, I have to change this killing routine of running. Sit down, relax, let go.

I can stay in my studio and in my gardenhouse on the allotment until it gets too cold. I can go to France, stay with friends, go to the dojo in Laren, I have so many opportunities, I am so lucky. Why can’t I be satisfied? Why am I still looking round the corner? What do I need? What holds me back from being united with myself, my heart? Old patterns, letting go.

To let go.

God wat was het fijn vanavond.
Mijn feestje was vanmiddag, tijdens het voorbereiden en het koken.
Ik word heel erg blij van lekker eten bedenken en maken.
Op kleur, op smaak, op vorm.
Ik snijd energie in het eten, ik roer de yin er uit,
ik yangiseer met zout en balanceer ergens in het midden,
naar de aarde.

Vijf gangen dit keer, wat een genot,

Appetizer: witlofbootje met rozijnen en appel en nootjes
Soep: pompoensoep met aardappel en peterselie
Tussengerecht: gegrilde courgette met madame Jeanette salsa extra hot
Hoofd: basmatirijst, curry met kikkererwten, wortel, ui, rode paprika, aardappel en gerookte tofu, zoete aardappel uit  de oven, pickels van Chinese kool met koji boontjes, salade met radichio, maïs, walnoten
Desert: abrikozen, tahini, boekweit, rijstmelk pudding met cichoreistroop.

Niets is voor niets
en niets gebeurt zo maar
Niets is te behouden
of niets gaat ooit weg…

het is relatief
het grijze middengebied
en als het en en is
en geen zwart of wit, maar schemergebied
en geen of of….

waarom wil ik dan een ja of nee horen?
ben ik zelf niet de eeuwige twijfelaar
het gras is altijd groener bij de buren,
morgen weet ik niet waar ik ben
spiegel spiegel der herkenning

moeten we niet gewoon lekker
ordinair ruzie maken,
want dat is wat je/ik wil(t)
schreeuwen,
en dan janken
dat lucht zo op.

Want onder de boosheid
zit altijd pijn.