Why is it so hard to be free?
I was the girl where you always would find the door half open (or was it half closed). With a huge wall to overcome. How hard I tried to break it down brick by brick, but every time it seemed to rearise in full potential.
Hot tears gleaming, full speed on the motorway, music loud.
No escape now. Bye bye happines hello lonelynes, I think I’m gonna cry.
Hello emptynes, I think I’m gonna die. As a matter of speaking that is.
Humour, it saved me a many times, o well, yes I’m sad, but no I’m allright. And a beautiful smile, urhg, inside something breaks. Ugly it is. There’s this nasty creature on my shoulder, babbling away, yes, no, today, tomorrow, yesterday, and no she isn’t, and yes she did, and no not him, and yes he will and of course but no way, never mind, he is, he was , he will, she get’s along, she hates, she loves, she trembles, fuck you all.
Sometimes I feel connected with nature. But most of the time I feel disconnected. In the shadow. Feeling blue. I play my act almost perfect. As long as you don’t look me in the eyes. Hello sadness.
Why?
Why is it so goddam difficult to be happy?
Do we need to be happy?
The cat sits in front of my computer, waiting to be carressed, nestled in my computerbag, grmbl, hairs, grmbl, a nice glas of cool white dry wine is waiting to be consumed.
Is it possible to be happy and unhappy at the same time?
One part of me is dying, the past, aha, erlebnis, sehnsucht, jawohl.
One part of me is coming alive, full potential, aha, erlebnis, I dance, I cry, I scream, I talk, I love, I eat, I live, I sleep, I work, I manage, I….
Where I start sharing, my feelings, my love, my life, my present.
Will you walk with me in the dark forests of the soul and guide me.
Halleluja, are you afraid, I am.