She is holding my head gently between her hands. It becomes hot and when I say: ‘he has to start loving himself first’, my body immediately responds, starting to rotate. It’s what you say to yourself, she says.
I never had such a bizarre experience without taking any drugs. My head was lying stil, my body was mooving, spinninng, unwinding, like hell. And then gradually it slowed down and this big smile appeared on my face. How good this feels.
Your body was unwinding she said, letting go of tension, build up in your cells, literally, turning loose from the head, so it felt like the spine was turning, but it felt also like my whole body mooved. What it did was inside unwinding, resetting, letting go.
This is amazing stuff. And how I laughed in the car and the whole world looks a lot brighter and happier. And everybody smiles back at me.
She helps me to get things sorted out, going back into time, times where I don’t wanna be, because it hurts. So many things happened, fear upon fear upon fear.
I had to stop asking, to stop annoying other people, I had to be quiet, I had to listen, obey, stop playing, stop irritating other people, be responsible, help, don’t scream, don’t shout, don’t cry, deny that you exist, you’re not worth it. I take it all back, I play, I shout, I scream, I irritate, I make noise, I drink, I stay up late, I do everything a wise person wouldn’t, haha, but it is fun, and I only have one life, so why not use it!
‘You have to put your feet on the floor and decide what you want’, she said ‘and be clear, set your limits, you can play, you can go along with another if you like, without loosing yourself. Your the boss’.
I feel my body, I feel the tension, I can let go, I’ve always been in control, afraid. Now I let go, and how shaky it feels and how my energy rises high and how restless I feel. But it is wonderful at the same time because I go with the flow. And all these things I learned to protect me are not necessary anymore. I’m not afraid to love, to live, to embrace life anymore. I am able to play, to enjoy and let it all happen. This is fun.
Thank you so much.