I am afraid yes, for physical pain, that’s why I want to be stronger then a man, that’s why I train my bud of. He was much stronger then I. He was much taller then I. He was drunk most of the time. Not aware of his actions, but still, there’s no way to condone.

We arrived in London, at night, ended up in a bar, he drinking, I feeling completely lost, but also responsible to find a place for the night, and then something broke inside, I went of my head, completely beserk, went outside, hysterical, to cool down. Let the tears roll down my face. Oh fuck, story of my life, tears… We climbed a fence hours later, into a park, with big signs, don’t enter, penalty, blablabla. We put up our tent on this pretty lawn. And in the morning there was a gardener happily cutting the grass two millimeter shorter, not so far away from our spot, we packed and left quietly.

We woke up one morning, not knowing where we put up our tent this time, it was late the other night, dark, too much boose for him, too much worry for me. We happend to park our tent just behind the church, a flock of sheep surrounded us, merrily bleating in the morning sun, wake up, wake up. Oh god my head is heavy.

He was pissed of because I said I was leaving him. He wouldn’t let me go. I started to cry, to whine, getting out of my mind, loosing control. He said I had to stop, that the neighbours could hear me, well yes that probably was the point, getting attention, but he insisted, stop crying, but I couldn’t, I lost control completely.

Next thing I know he was sitting on top of me, with his hands around my neck, telling me to stop or he would kill me. And then I stopped, I even stopped breathing for a moment or so, I was shocked, terrified, he had hit me in the face. He leaned heavy on me. And I stopped crying, I stopped breathing, I stopped living, I gave up. To survive.

We went to bed. I waited, silently, until I heard by his breathing he was asleep. How often I heard my fathers breathing, my mothers, I could tell he was fast asleep. And I slipt away, as if I was a ghost, silently, no noise, tiptoeing the stairs, on my bare feet, then as soon as I was outside I ran, with my shoes in my hands, as fast as I could, away, from this horror.

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