It never occured to me before, that showing anger opens up a lot of energy, because I simply didn’t dare to become really angry.
For all these years I burried all the anger deep down inside, melting into a big fire, keeping it hot. Sure I’ve had my share in life, so reasons enough to become angry. And ofcourse I have been angry many times, but not really, not open, not passionate, not without fear of getting it all back, being rejected. So I always held down, to afraid to show, to afraid to be put of, to be told to shut up.
Because that is what happened when I was a child. Don’t shout, don’t become angry, don’t cry, don’t show your emotions. There was no space, no safety, no one to shout at, I wasn’t heard. They were to occupied with themselves, they had too much pain, their pain was bigger than mine, so keep quiet.
So I stopped shouting, I stopped crying, I stopped, arguing, I stopped asking, I stopped feeling. I even stopped talking for a while.
So lonely, so scared, so insecure. Instead I put up a huge wall around me, so nobody could touch me, my cold safety. You can’t come into my heart, you can’t touch me, you can’t hurt me.
But now I am learning. First to cry, to feel the sadness. Then feel the fear, to be afraid. Then feel the joy, to laugh, to be happy. I learned to get in touch with my feelings again and open up my heart. Now it’s time for the strongest emotion, the hardest, the most difficult is becoming free: my anger!!! I am learning by my classes, with the children, by my therapy, by the AUM, by life itself, practicing day by day, step by step.
So hold your horses, don’t come to near, don’t make me angry, don’t judge me, don’t expect anything of me, don’t argue with me, don’t point at me.
Or maybe yes please do, if you can stand my anger that is. If you don’t mind to be shouted at. If you are strong. If you can keep to yourself.
Because I am. I can let the steam of, I can feel the fire, I can feel the heat. And it gives me tremendous power.
Look I am not afraid, don’t you like me anymore, sorry, it’s time to listen to my inner heart, I will still love you, I will always love you, but I won’t let anybody hurt my feelings anymore I won’t let you go beyond my borders. I love myself. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.
I put the wall down, I opened up my heart, I can feel. I am connected with my heart and mind. I am not afraid to love, I have no fear. I will stand next to you, I will listen, I will hold your hand, I will cry with you, you can cry with me, You can shout at me, I won’t run away, I will be there for you, when you need me. I will stand up for you. I will love you. I am love.